Although, it took long enough for me to remember how lucky I am. Unlike other people, I'm very much pampered & loved by the people around me. That much said, at some point, there are people who don't show much care as much I cared for them, but-- that part of being loved by someone is important enough and shouldn't have asked for more. I admit am very much of an attention seeker. I shouldn't have asked too much for those people who can't give me things I expected to receive, if I chose to love others, I should've love them without expecting something in return, like loving me the same as I loved them or seeking same treatment or more.
Though, I accept my mistakes, but still I can't help myself hating those people who wronged me or took me for granted, but more than that, I hated myself for loving them too much. Self-loathing can really be bad and it's considered a sin. Though, after watching that movie it made me realize something, there are people who do care for me and the much said, I took them for granted instead. Even though nobody will love me the same as I love them, I shouldn't blame them, it's not their fault. But, I should be thankful enough to have parents who supports me all the way.
Also, watching that movie gave me much memories of my past, when I tried to end my life. I don't know what's gotten into me when I tried to kill myself back then, but maybe because I was devoured by total darkness, I felt empty back then and there--- I tried ruining myself without asking for help first. But thanks to those people around me, they pulled me away from it and luckily survived (though I can't deny the fact that on some point my cowardice helped me too, afterall, I tried to swallow or rather drink a bottle of perfume just to commit suicide, but end up tasting a little bit of it since I was too scared to die. LOL).
Although there are times it still haunts me (oh no, not suicide again, I mean the sorrows and some things that troubles me), but I guess I won't be affected by it anymore, though somehow it still affects me in some way but not much like before, I'm much stronger now, although I considered myself still weak, but am not much of a crybaby like before and I don't resort to violence or masochism, and am not vulnerable to sadness anymore like before.
Maybe the reason why I had hormonal imbalance because I chose to be with sorrow. Misery loves company as my wise teacher said. I began to get stressed out, became a hikikomori (or socially withdrawn) and started to lock myself in my room, enjoy being alone and left alone.
But during those college days (when I transferred to other schools), when I had to leave I began changing...
During those times I had to leave my past behind and moved on and it really helped me alot. Since I became independent and I started depending on myself and not depending onto others. I started to believe in myself, and I started became fruitful and I found what I'm good at. During those times I didn't have my parent's to back me, I had myself only to rely on which eventually help me find myself, and even though there are plenty of hard times I had to face which ended up crying a barrel of tears I made it, and even though I don't stand alot that much, at some point leaving my comfort zone helped me find what I really want in life.
Although today, I'm having troubles finding my way again, and left me stagnant while others kept moving forward, I believe someday, I will find my way back and will able to stand tall without anymore hesitations. I know there's no such thing as "too late", there are ways to bring yourself back to the pace, today, I maybe still at slump, but am sure, someday, I'll just laugh my head off reading this, of how much I complained about my life and how it sucked.
But! I beg to disagree that my life sucks, it didn't sucked at all, somehow, there are more people who suffered alot more than this, and this is nothing near to their suffering, but, even though some might think that this kind of problem is shallow, I can't blame you, but as much as how shallow it is to you, for me it's not.
I maybe still searching for my existence, or rather, why I exists. The meaning of life and so on and so forth. To some, there are much more troublesome problems than this, but this is still a problem (to me, most especially), and I don't have enough confidence to conquer my troubles (yet). But, soon, I know I can overcome it. Just like the other problems I had before. Someday, I know I'm just going to laugh at it and continue moving on.
Today, I'm glad I watched that movie, it showed me that there are problems that come our way and it will made us strong, just like in the movie, he died but he got his chance to be reincarnated or rather, he got the chance to live again: the life which he tried to end, I felt the same way as he does (on some point).
It was a wonderful inspiring movie. It showed me something important, that is I should value life more and never throw it away just because I felt am not needed anymore, I'm useless and powerless. Afterall, after a hideous storm, there will always be a rainbow that will soon follow.
